Amazing Dog Plays Guitar, Joins Heavy Metal Band
I have seen the future of rock guitar, and her name is Kelsey. She has four legs and has to go to the bathroom in the back yard, but that hasnít stopped this canine wonder from making big waves in the rock world with her remarkable technique and fresh approach to the instrument. This is one hot dog, and she really knows how to shred some serious metal. For this monthís column, we interviewed this enigmatic new figure, hoping to shed some light on her unique abilities, and her plans for the future.
M.S.N.: Kelsey, are you the King of Shred or what?
Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Actually, since Iím female it would be more appropriate to call me the Queen of Shred. Plus, I think Joe Satriani has already earned the title of King of Shred, and I would feel guilty taking that from him. Heís such a nice human.
M.S.N.: We understand that you actually studied under the great Satriani during your Berkeley years.
Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Yeah, he showed me a thing or two. I think that was his first time training a Labrador. I actually gnawed on a couple of his guitars, and he got really mad about that. I canít blame him.
M.S.N.: It must be very difficult playing the guitar, I mean, being a dog and all. You donít even have an opposable thumb. How do you get around that?
Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Actually, itís not that bad. I just keep my claws clipped real short and trim the hair around my pads. Itís really not a big deal. Plus, there are things that I can do that are really hard for humans. For example, I can sweep arpeggios much more easily because of my webbed feet. So being a dog has actually turned out to be something of an advantage. Oh, excuse me just a second... (licks her genitals noisily). Sorry about that -- I had a really bad itch.
M.S.N.: Quite alright. Now, we understand that you and your master just came out of the studio, and are about to release two new CDís. Can you tell us anything about them?
Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Yeah, the first one is called ďSleepless in Pompeii.Ē Itís pretty doggone cool! Itís got quite a range of styles, from Heavy Metal to Blues to New Age. Mostly flashy guitar stuff on top of really melodic keyboard riffs. The second one, ďTrajectories,Ē is jazzier. I did a wicked-cool wah-wah solo on the first track, which is called ďAlien Abduction / The Procedure.Ē Really evil, man! (howls).
M.S.N.: Fabulous! Finally, wouldnít you rather be chasing cats than playing guitar?
the Amazing Dog: Get real! I used
to do that kind of stuff when I was a
pup. Now Iím much more interested in
developing my chops and getting into shape for the next tour. Touring brings its own special challenges,
especially for a dog. As Iím sure you
can imagine, standing on my hind legs for an hour on stage is real
learning how to do bird photography in North Carolina
learning how to drive in Maryland
Kelsey the Amazing Dog passed away peacefully in her sleep in the early hours of July 1st, 2011. She was 14 years old. She had the happiest life of any dog, spending more hours swimming, fetching, and chewing sticks than any other dog in the history of her breed. In her final weeks she dedicated her days to training her protegť, Brandy the Amazing Puppy, in the most advanced canine guitar-shredding techniques. Kelsey will be remembered by the many people whose lives she touched. This page is dedicated to her memory. May she forever fetch the biggest sticks in that great lake in the sky.